Moving, Memories, and the Healing that happens along the way

This episode is brought to you from my floor, surrounded by boxes, as we prepare for a big move. It's hard and special and painful and beautiful to be leaving a place and people and memories that feel like home... off to another place, 1400 miles away, that also holds people and memories that feel like home. If you are going through a big change in your home, your work, your recovery... I'm with you. Life is short and time is long, and these are the moments that invite us to look back, to heal shame or regret that might not have even been on the radar otherwise.

Here's to looking forward to new chapters, and feeling the deepest gratitude for old ones.

Learn more at LizMcKean.com.

You can also connect with me on Instagram @liz.mckean, or send me an email at Liz@LizMckean.com.  I'd love to hear from you!

All my love and gratitude for this podcast's beautiful cover design, created by the very best & most magical Mo Houston of JoyScout Studio 

And podcast production/editing masterfully done by Sean Gritters. You can reach Sean by emailing seangritters@gmail.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

There were places that I that just the air I breathed in these places, specifically like a you know a restaurant or walking down a street, like this just I can feel the regret and shame pulsing through my body. Because last time I was here, I was a different person. There was times some of the worst times of my drinking were here. And to go back and create a new type of air to breathe there, to create new memories, to prove to myself that I could walk through that door and be this version of me and know that the old version existed and is still in me somewhere. And I can still hold my head up high, and I still am allowed to be here and be me now. And I wouldn't be able to be me now if it wasn't for all those other versions and all those mistakes and hard things that healed parts of me that I didn't realize weren't healed yet. Welcome to Starfish Hypnosis. I am your host, Liz McKean. In this podcast, we meander through our conscious and subconscious minds, and we do that without a lick of shame. In these episodes, you are going to hear stories, you're gonna hear a lot of metaphors because that's how I make sense of the world. We're gonna take some big breaths together, and you are going to hear reminder, after loving reminder, that you are not doing it wrong. Any of this. I'm so glad that you're here. So let's go. Hello and welcome to a special episode of Starfish Hypnosis with me, your host. I'm Liz. I'm so glad you're here. Um, and this episode is, I mean, they're all special, right? I feel like they're all special. I I always feel grateful and very aware of how special it is to be a person who can be on a microphone and have you listening in your ears. Um, so that always feels very precious, these moments that we get to spend together in this way, which is exactly how it feels to me. But today feels slightly different because I'm sitting on the floor and my home is in boxes, and I'm leaving for a very long drive that will that will end in Tampa, Florida, uh, where I'm moving. And it's such an interesting experience because I have in I'm in upstate New York right now. This is where I'm from. Lived in Tampa for eight years, then came back here for the past almost three. And so it's it's a really interesting experience to have two places that feel so much like home. Like it's it's just the most brutal and beautiful. It is, it is the brutifulest. Um, and I want to talk about that today. But before we do, we're gonna do a few deep breaths. And I do these at every in every episode, in the beginning and the end, and I always say, like, oh, I needed that after I do it, and I always mean it. But I gotta tell you, today, my friends, my little starfish, I really need it. So I'm glad we're gonna breathe together. So let yourself exhale every little bit, really squeeze out all of the air, and then as you're ready, take a deep breath in. Exhale out of the mouth, make it loud. Yeah, let something go. Good job. We're gonna do it slower this time. So another just big breath in out of the mouth if you can. Slowest exhale ever. And let your shoulders melt as that air just softly releases. Good job. Next one we're gonna hold. Biggest breath you've taken today. And hold at the top. Oh, and feel everything expanded inside of you. Those rib cage, the rib cage, all the ribs expanded. Maybe you smile. Maybe you sip in a little more air and open your mouth and let it go. Ah good job. Yep, needed that. I hope it felt good for you too. So, as I said, it is just a it's just a kind of an intense week here at the McKean house um or apartment, whatever. And it's exciting and it's stressful, and it has been a really cool experience the last couple weeks to look both back and forward at the same time, which is, and I mean that both literally and figuratively, because literally, part of moving, and as many times as I've moved, which has been a lot of times, uh, which I'm happy about. I there are almost always moves that I'm really excited about, um it still amazes me how much stuff there always is. And part of the move is going through usually really old stuff to decide like, do I still want to keep these things from you know, birth till this age? And it could be very logistical stuff, like, okay, how many actual decades of tax returns do I need to keep? And the answer is usually, well, let me call my dad. Even in my 40s, let me call my dad. I'm so lucky to be able to do that. And and then there's things from childhood memories that feel very much like, wow, this is such a it's it's so fun to come across things. I I made a Instagram reel about this just off the cuff the other day, where there are things like that, like childhood things, pictures, trinkets, etc., that every time I come across them, which is every few years when we're when we're moving usually, it's it's like delightful. I'm like, oh, what a how cool. I forgot that this existed, you know? And then it immediately feels really important and I don't want to let go of it, but I'm okay with those kinds of things because I am gonna put this back in a box that yes, we are going to now drive across the country or down the country or whatever, and I will probably not see it again until next time I'm going through this box. But it will delight me then too. And so it's like planting seeds of of delight in memories for however long to come. And as somebody who doesn't have kids, it's an interesting experience because I don't have the, oh, I have to pass, I have to give this to my kids and they'll be delighted by it someday, um, thought in my head. I don't know if that's something that's as real for parents as I imagine that it is. But I I always have a few moments of just kind of turmoil over whether, you know, I had this moment of delight, let me release this now, and I will probably forget that it existed, or if I want to hold on to it. And it's amazing how much things that you forget you even had can feel important when you come across them and you're thinking about getting rid of them. And then there's other things that are really hard to come across. If you have listened to this podcast at all, you know that I'm a person in recovery from alcohol use. And that the to be a person who can say that means there were a lot of years where things were really hard. And I have records of those years. I have some legal records of those years. I have also just even things like journal entries. There's there's pictures that are hard to look at, you know, and it is also just things that remind me of a time or or that will have a date on them that I just have to think back, like, what was going on during that time? And I remember how hard that time was. And it's intense to look through that. There's also, you know, loss. There's this things you come across of of people that aren't here anymore that can feel really hard, and that those are especially hard things to consider letting go of. Um, even though it's like the memories don't go anywhere, it's just stuff. But when it's stuff that a person that you miss touched, you know, you don't want to get rid of it. Uh, I don't know about you, but I'm also a person who can think about people that won't always be here, you know, like this this is something that is special now, and then what if this person isn't here one day? Like this is it's gonna be even more special. So it's amazing the emotional journey that I go on every single time I go through just all the years and years of stuff. And it's so fascinating because it's just the most condensed experience of just knowing how weird time is and how long and short life is. How when I think about I mean, even something as recent as 2020, because I feel like 2020 is a milestone here that we all remember, right? And it feels like, how is it how was that six years ago? How was that six years ago? It was like that was like a minute ago, and and that can feel very scary to think about. That can feel like, oh my God, if 2020 feels like a minute ago, it's gonna be 2030. I'm gonna blink, it'll be 2030, the time flies. But then when you're forced to really look through the pictures, the mementos, the just all sorts of documentation of a life between a six-year period. It can feel like it went by fast sitting here in this moment, but that was a lot of life. There was a lot of things that happened during that time, a lot of big changes that happened, a lot of big growth that happened, a lot of boring everyday wishing the day would end because ugh, you know, work or something that happened. There's a lot of I mean, this is so silly, but like I'm looking through my clothes, you know, it's like, wow, I remember I used to wear this shirt all the time. I loved this shirt. I was like, I actually went and bought two more and the same, the same one because I I just liked it so much. And now I'm like, I would never put that on. And that was like three years ago. It was not that long ago, but it was long ago. Like, so time it flies, but it's also long. Life is life is short, and it makes it so special. And life is long, and we get to squeeze a lot into it. And both of those things have never felt more true than in a moment like this where I'm sitting on my floor, surrounding my boxes, surrounded by boxes and all the things that I've owned for years and years and memories: good, bad, ugly, beautiful, in between. And then the next kind of level of that that I'm experiencing right now is the fact that we're going back in a different way. When we moved from Tampa to Rochester, it felt like a coming home, even though Tampa had been home for eight years. But Rochester was where my husband and I are both from, and our families are here, and you know, New York State. I feel like the state you grow up in, certainly the city, but also just the state. Because states, if you're in the United States, you know this. If you're outside, you might not. Like there's it's it's like different countries practically. There's so there's different laws, there's different norms, there's different uh demographics. It's just so fascinating. And I think where you're from often feels like what's normal. And that can make it really exciting to go elsewhere. Like normal doesn't always mean, you know, what you what's good or right or anything. It's just what your, it's your norm. It's familiar. So coming home feels like, oh yeah, this is how things are done here. Like this is just it just there's it's hard to express, but I think if you're listening to this podcast, you probably are a person who can kind of absorb that a little bit. And and also I'm a person who, you know, grew up in a place that I did live for a lot, like my entire childhood. And I think some people don't have that experience, so that might be a different uh perception as well. But coming home felt familiar, but also was confronting in that there were a lot of memories here. Again, like these boxes that I've gone through. I came back to this place and there were things that I had to unpack, like not things, things, relationships, places that had both good, bad, ugly, and beautiful, and everything in between attached to it. And there was a lot of healing that I got to do that I didn't even know that I needed. There were places that I that just the air I breathed in these places, specifically like a you know, a restaurant or walking down a street, it's like this just I can feel the regret and shame pulsing through my body because last time I was here, I was a different person. There was times, some of the worst times of my drinking were here. And to go back and create a new type of air to breathe there, to create new memories, to prove to myself that I could walk through that door and be this version of me, and know that the old version existed and is still in me somewhere. And I can still hold my head up high, and I still am allowed to be here and be me now. And I wouldn't be able to be me now if it wasn't for all those other versions and all those mistakes and hard things that that healed parts of me that I didn't realize weren't healed yet. And I rested here in a way that I didn't know how to rest before, that I wasn't resting last time we were down south. I grew up every single day in ways that I didn't know I still needed to do. And I'm and I'm so grateful for every moment that I spent here. And now to be going back to Tampa is another kind of returning home, another kind of returning to normal, like a normal that I held for eight years. But now I'm this version of me. I'm a more rested version of me. I am a, I mean, still perimetapasal woman. I think I was that when I was there before, but I didn't realize it. I have language for some of the things I'm going through physically now, and also have tools that have helped a lot. So I'm physically in a more in a much more comfortable place than I was. I have changed a lot when it comes to career, when it comes to plans for the future. And I also have accepted things about myself that I hadn't even known I needed to. Again, there's so much the things you don't know that you need till you get them. And this comes from a person who my life, my both personal interest and professional obsessions are all about what is there to still learn about myself and about people, and how can I use that to help me grow? How can I use that to help you grow? How can I, you know, uncover the next layer of just healing and metaphors for that healing and just understanding, self-compassion, all those things, constantly peeling off layers and layers and layers. And it's just wild that there's just never, there's never gonna be an end. There's never gonna be a moment that it's like, got it, got it all, I'm good. I really don't think there is. And I don't think I knew that that was true. And when I go back there as this version of me, and there's people there that I still love and know, and there's just there's there's things there probably that need to be healed that I just wasn't in a place to do before. And it's and you know, and I not to say that our entire lives need to be about healing, those are just the highlights for me specifically being here because of just where I am in my life and recovery and just you know, mental moment. But when I go back there as this person, with all of that still part of me, with people here and places here that I love and will miss, going back to people and places there that I love and have missed, parts of it feel almost like a do-over in a very welcome way, like uh I get to be in this place again and show up in a way that I literally couldn't before. I get to be in this place that's just quite literally where people go to vacation. And it it didn't usually feel like that for me when I was there before. It felt hard a lot of the time because I was working really hard and I was tired and I was grateful, and I was full of joy in a lot of ways, but I think I just have a little more capacity now to have the same feeling that I did when I first got here for the first couple of years here, where suddenly I was able to see the magic of the seasons of springtime, of fall, of that first snowfall, things that just didn't feel magic when I lived here before because it was it was too normal, it was so normal. And when you leave a place and then go back to it, you get to appreciate it in a different way. I guess that's a simple way to say all the things that I've been trying to explain in far more words. But I think this is applicable, this just absolute excavation of a life, of time, of experiences, of growth, both inside and outside. It's it doesn't have to have anything to do with geography. I think we have the opportunity to do this just within our own lives, even if you've never left a place. It's it's been interesting to see how many people here, because here here and there are very different in that most people that I know that live down south, like specifically in like a busy and growing city like Tampa, aren't from there, you know, and are also kind of living a new version of themselves and have a lot of come with a lot of cool memories from a very diverse um type of background and hometowns, etc. etc. Whereas here, a lot of people that I've talked to have never lived anywhere but here. This is a very settled place. Like people come to this wonderful part of the country to buy a house and raise their family, and just generations have lived here, which is lovely. And so a lot of people I've told that I'm moving have just been like, wow, I just can't even imagine this is home. I've never not been here. This has just always been home. And I respect that, and I also get it, and love that I've experienced making home where I am. You know how lucky I am that I have a partner, a husband who is home, regardless of the state that we live in. And it makes me think that we all get to define what home means. We all get to decide when we want to make a big change, we all get to search back in our boxes, both literally and figuratively, of our history and decide what still needs to be turned over, where there's still healing to be had. We all get to have our brave moments where we walk through the doors of a place that just feels like shame and regret. And realize that it actually doesn't have to feel that way anymore. We're not that person anymore. It's okay to let go of that shame and regret. And I just cannot even express how grateful I am for this whole wild journey of life that I have been on that has allowed me to experience that again and again. Because it's all, it's just muscles that you're that we're flexing, that I'm flexing, that I'm strengthening every single time that happens. And I gotta tell you, in these moments while we're moving, moving being one of the most stressful things that happens in a life, I and I choose to do it again and again, I think about how it can feel incredibly overwhelming. Our plans have changed a lot. This move has been unique in that I've had a lot less control over logistics than I usually do. I might I've thrived in a stressful situation when I can grasp onto logistics and you know take some control there. Um and I've not been able to really do that here. And the fact that I'm still chugging along, that I'm sitting on the floor podcasting, didn't decide I couldn't handle it, didn't shut down is a big deal. And it's because there's been so many years, so many opportunities to sit and think like, man, this moment is so hard, or this This feels so painful, or this part of me is so triggered right now. And then I've I've survived it and moved to the other side of it. And then had the opportunity to look back and think about what I learned from it and appreciate that I did survive it. And so now when I have these moments of like, oh my God, this is too much, that that alarm that's happening within me is met with a very solid and compassionate voice that is mine that says it's not too much. You can handle it. You can do hard things, you can even do easy things, and everything in between. And this is just a moment and it's gonna pass, and there'll be a day in the future where you look back, there will be a box from 2026 of all the documents that show where you lived, what you did, there'll be pictures of you standing with boxes, there'll be memories of those hugs when you said goodbye, and it will feel like it was just a moment ago, but really it was years ago. This will pass. And that's such good news, and that's such hard news. So whatever moment you're in right now, whether it feels very heavy or very joyful, or maybe there are things just outside of your peripheral vision that that feel like shame that you're trying really hard not to see. It's temporary. And you can survive it because you've survived all of it already. You're still here. We're still here. And the only thing that you really have to decide is what your next step is gonna be, what your next moment is gonna be, what your next breath is gonna be. For me, that is going to be finishing this podcast, breathing with you in a few minutes from now, closing my laptop, very intentionally, saying thanks but no thanks to the part of my brain that wants to replay the entire podcast in my brain and think go back and delete it. Oh my gosh, everything you said was so dumb. Nobody wants to hear this stuff. Every single time I have this conversation with myself and say, Nope, nope. This is the thing. This was what was real in this moment, so this is what I'm sharing. And even if it doesn't feel like the thing that is real in moments that to come, this moment is what it is. This is the starfish that's in my hand right now. And it deserves to have its moment. So thank you for sharing it with me. I hope that you are able to find compassion, find breath, find just those those reassuring inner versions of you that have got you, whether or not this moment feels really hard or feel or feels really wonderful. Everything is going to change, whether we like it or not. And there's some of those things that we get to really be part of. I'm I am making this change. I have decided we are moving. And there have been a lot of things on the path to that that I have not had any control over. And it's just being a person and being alive. We just do the best that we can. And sometimes it feels like chaos. So we keep going, we keep breathing. Let's do that together now. Let all of your breath exhale, squeeze it out of your belly, and then take a nice deep breath in. A big sigh out. Let it go. Yeah, that's the stuff. This one's slower. Big breath in. Slowest breath out. Feel everything melt. As you just let that breath escape. Good job. Last one we hold. Biggest breath you've taken all day, even bigger. Really fill up. Feel that fullness, holding it in, letting yourself be full in this moment. It's not gonna last. And you can do it. Maybe smile. Open your mouth. Let it go.

unknown 26:49

Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 26:51

And the moment has passed. And here we are, and we did it again. And I'm so glad that you're here, and I'm so grateful for you. And whatever big or small changes you are going through, know that we're in it together. You're doing the best you can. I'm so proud of you. And I'll see you next time. Thank you for listening to today's episode. Please be sure that you've hit that subscribe button and send this episode to somebody who you think would enjoy it. You can find me on Instagram at Starfish Hypnosis. Same thing on threads. And of course, if you'd like to work with me, go to my website at lizmakean.com. A big thank you and hug to my dear friend Mo Houston at Joy Scout Studios, who created the beautiful artwork that is the cover for this podcast. And another big thank you to my editor, producer, Sean Gritters. He is incredible. And if you'd like to work with him, his email will also be linked in the show notes. We will see you next week.